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this picture is disturbing i am so huge i am at my heaviest weight ever. like its disgusting. i'm sorry maybe these pictures will be reverse thinspo for you girls |
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and the liquid fast continues... the weeked is finalllllly over! the week will be much much easier ill eat soup broth drink water and tea and walk when im tempted! btw today i took 'before' pics which i will post in about a month or two (hopefully by may) along with 'after' ones so we can see how far ive come since now! xxx |
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Here are my top five goals for 2008: 1. Eat UNDER 1.000 calories a day ( at the very, very most) 2. Work out every day possible 3. Before High school graduation in June, be BELOW 110 lbs. 4. Before ringing in the new year in 2009, have weighed below 100lbs. 5. Eat totally vegan. |
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I'm starting a 2-week fast until christmas. 2 cups (16 oz. total) soymilk a day (240 cals.). lots of sleep. lots of reading. lots of walking. lots of weight loss. |
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okay my darlings i am off to try to get some sleep and possibly some reading done...meh. i still feel soooooooooooooo gross but hey. tomorrow raw veggies and water.. nothing else. i dont care if my mother opens my mouth and tries to shove the food down my throat. i swear to god i will NOT swallow. k. xoxo <3 much love |
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if your in the mood to read a rant about parents feel free but im putting it under a cut so you dont have to ahaha <lj-cut text="Read more">okay so...today was starting off great. i had an apple at breakfast and a big cup of coffee and then didnt eat until about 2 when my mom suggested we went to this bagel place for lunch. i got just a salad with some corn and cucumbers and tomatoes and halepenio peppers on it and it was fantastic. i was doing so well! and then i got a cup of coffee to go from this store downtown that i lovvvve and i dont know why but about a half an hour later i just started shaking like crazy. i felt like i was going to pass out and i felt lighter than air it was like i could feel my body burning itself up it felt woooooooonderful! welp i decided to be stupid and mention this to my mother. not that ifelt like i was going to fait or all that wonderfull stuff...just that i waskind of shaky. well. she forced a yogurt, 3 pita pockets with jam, a piece of toast and some granola down my throat. i put up such a fuss. UM HELLO IM VEGAN NOW MOM YOU KNOW THAT. well she says you need the yogurt it will be good for your stumache and jody (my nutritionist) said you shouldnt start a new diet until your healthy. wtffffffffff? its MY BODY i can eat WHAT I WANT. i dont want to eat fing dairy! ughhhhhhhhh. and it gets worse. so now im at like what...1000 cals instead of my lovely 200? yeah. and then it gets to be dinner time. i was just going to have some hot water with lemon and some spinach with onion. well. she decides to put fucking fattening PINE NUTS all over my spinach. thanks mom. now im going to be even more of a cow than youve made me already. and then my dad says "you hacvent eaten protein all day. eat chicken." ummm EXCUSE ME?!?! I AM FREAKING VEGAN I DONT EAT MEAT!!!!!! they sat there and stared at me until i ate the fucking piece of chicken. and two pieces of bread. and two small potatoes. AND icecream. um...more DAIRY. and 2 cookies. FULL OF BUTTER. FUCK FUCK FUCK.I AM SO MAD. ive probably had 2000 calories today and not been able to work out. and i couldnt even purge it all up becuase they know i will so they havent let me go to the bathroom by myself. they FOLLOW ME. theyre like forcing me to binge when im being so good. wtffffffff? do they want me to be a fatasss?????? UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.</l |
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i love my family. so incredably much. i could not have asked for a more perfect family in the whole entire world. they care so much about me too. thats what kills me. i hate me. i dont s ee anything good about me. im ugly and fat and not really good for much of anything, and worst of all i ruin everything. i dont deserve them. not in the least. thats why sometimes i just want to leave. that way i can wither away on my own with out costing them the pain of watching me do it. i wish i could make them not hurt. i wish i could take the pain away. i would do anything. if i leave though then i know that they wouldnt pay for college next year and i cannot put myself through college on my own. so i have to just try my best to cover up and smile until i can finally up&outta there. jesus. |
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i want her to know i love her. her name is chloe. shes 14. shes gorgous. she could model, really she could. 5'9, 120lbs, skinny, beautiful. i want to be her role model. i want to be someone she loves. i want her to laugh. i want her to be proud. she loves me too i know. but she could never know how i adore her. my little sister. why does she have to be the one to care for me? why does she have to be the one to brush my hair and rub my back and tell me it will all be okay? i am sick. i will probably never get better. but she sees that it is my fault. she doesnt understand why i cannot climb out of this hole. why i was sucked into this trap. she never will. i make her cry more often than laugh lately. and when i see her cry my world breaks apart. i have nothing left. just empty crevaces filled with what is no longer there. i want her to have a role model. instead i am an example. of what not to be. i am a failure. |
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the empty ones there is nothing in my life that falls into place anymore the puzzle pieces have been parted and broken so they will never slide into place so easily as they did before i am one of the empty ones we fall together we cannot hurt one another where there is nothing left to be hurt when all expectations have been crushed all hope executed before your unwanting innocent eyes it is then that there is nothing left to loose there is no further bottom to this muddy murky well which has swollowed you whole into its cold dirty empty belly you can scream for days but no one will hear or understand why you are crying the empty ones we reach out to one another hand upon tiny hand we form a rope in which we climb in persuit of perfection we reach but we will never find for it is too far away the twinkling stars they know that we will never find ourselves or free ourselves from these ties. hiden hurt and were still huge. stained with pain our eyes will never see what others might one day it will never be okay one day you will see why we pay |
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hello all you wonderfull skinnie minnies! i have miss you all so much, its been about 6 weeks since ive even visited this site...rehab will do that. it was my moms version of rehab for me, im mia, and it didnt work at all! its all just made me want to be ana. so im going to try a fast of liquids asap. the problem: while my mom was trying to get me better...she followed me everywhere i couldnt even go to the bathroom alone! so then things are getting better but im still on a tight leash, plus were on a family vacation to europe for 6 weeks! only 4 weeks left and i wanted to loose a lot of weight before i got home so i could impress everyone (no one knew i ever had an ed besides my best friend and my fam). anyhow it just might work out--im going to visit my friend in germany maybe and i could get away with eating nothing there which is so fabulous for a person like me who has food shoved at her 24/7 here. i feel so sick when i eat. im scared to because i just want to purge! im so glad to be back here with all you girls! |
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